birthday
Disclaimer: This is an extremely personal post and I have no idea why I am being so open with the big bad internet world but as an old boyfriend told me "Lucky, you wear your heart on your sleeve." And indeed I do.
I've never not looked forward to a birthday, they're fun and exciting. I love them. [I think I just used a double negative that I know is making Jaime cringe.] But this year, the thought of tomorrow coming and 25 actually makes me feel physically nauseas. I have no idea why. It's just does. I was excited for a while but then I became really indifferent and now I feel like throwing up. And yes it is possible to be really indifferent.
Am I so self-involved that I think people will want to read about how I feel about my birthday? Apparently.
This is the lamest blog post of my first 24 years on this planet. Life is bigger than this, even I know that.
Alright, let's see, my "adult" birthdays so far, if I remember correctly: 20th birthday in Singapore, 21 & 22 in Vancouver, 23 in New York, 24 & 25 in Japan. Where shall I be next year? Am I going to do this forever? Move and move and move and never stop? If I could go back to Vancouver once a year I think I could forever. (Could I really?)
I guess birthdays are a time for reflection and blah blah blah oh the hell with it. Nothing changes tomorrow except for the number I tell everyone when they ask "Nansai desu ka?".
Except that I have reflected, mostly on my time in Japan and seen how I've changed. I've gotten to know myself far too well this past year and half living in the middle of nowhere with too much time on my hands and no one to talk to but myself. I've explored the worst parts of myself and lost touch with the best. Well, not lost touch, but it feels like sometimes it's been a fight to remember who I am, what I value and how I want to think and act. I'm not "going back to religion" or anything like that, but I definitely could bring more spirituality back into my life.
I know there are people out there that don't think over things as much as I do, or wonder Why? about everything, and I think they are very happy people. But my writing 12 teacher saw it right away, "You are really good at self-reflection!"and here comes the birthday and self-reflecting time!! self-reflect away!!
No. It's good to a point, you know, when that 5 year plan with goals and a time line is nicely laid out in the notebook in front of you. But any more than that and it gets to be too much. Even my 5 year plan looks strange to me. A part of me wants to scribble all over the neatly printed years and goals and say to hell with it! I'm running off to Mauritius to live in a beach hut and marry a fisherman and live happily ever after. (uh, maybe my current boyfriend would like to magically become a Mauritian fisherman for this fantasy?) But that's not life, right? We have real expectations of ourselves that have nothing to do with Mauritius fishermen, at least I do.
I made a list long ago of things I wanted to do before I turned 25. It was in university (oh those young wild days!) I can't remember what was on the list, or where it is exactly for that matter. I do remember the gist of it... traveling to far away lands, learning exotic languages and meeting beautiful people. So I guess in that regards I'm doing quite well.
I also remember more ambitious goals I had at a younger age. Change the world, right? Solve world poverty, end food shortages, peace on earth blah blah blah. What happened to that girl? I used to want to, no need to, change what I saw wrong in the world. First in everything I saw in the world, but then when I was a little older in myself first (then the world). I'd like to think I've still got it in me, but my actions speak louder than anything I could type here. Well, as I always heard, if you aren't happy with the situation, don't just sit around whining about it, do something about it!
A lot has happened in my life's relationship while I've been in Japan. The dynamics of my relationship with my parents; I think I can finally be more adult-like in this relationship that I ever was. My friends that I have lost touch with that I will probably never be as close to again, and I am okay with it because it's only natural. My friends that I have lost touch with that I know I will pick up with just where we left off next time I see them, just like it's always been. My friends that I have learned will be with me no matter where they are on this planet. Falling in love like never before and learning so much from this experience.
I've learned to have a wider ranger of friendships than I previously had. Those 6 year old kids that are honest to the point it hurts, and grandpa that teaches me Japanese calligraphy and to take life less seriously.
I've never not looked forward to a birthday, they're fun and exciting. I love them. [I think I just used a double negative that I know is making Jaime cringe.] But this year, the thought of tomorrow coming and 25 actually makes me feel physically nauseas. I have no idea why. It's just does. I was excited for a while but then I became really indifferent and now I feel like throwing up. And yes it is possible to be really indifferent.
Am I so self-involved that I think people will want to read about how I feel about my birthday? Apparently.
This is the lamest blog post of my first 24 years on this planet. Life is bigger than this, even I know that.
Alright, let's see, my "adult" birthdays so far, if I remember correctly: 20th birthday in Singapore, 21 & 22 in Vancouver, 23 in New York, 24 & 25 in Japan. Where shall I be next year? Am I going to do this forever? Move and move and move and never stop? If I could go back to Vancouver once a year I think I could forever. (Could I really?)
I guess birthdays are a time for reflection and blah blah blah oh the hell with it. Nothing changes tomorrow except for the number I tell everyone when they ask "Nansai desu ka?".
Except that I have reflected, mostly on my time in Japan and seen how I've changed. I've gotten to know myself far too well this past year and half living in the middle of nowhere with too much time on my hands and no one to talk to but myself. I've explored the worst parts of myself and lost touch with the best. Well, not lost touch, but it feels like sometimes it's been a fight to remember who I am, what I value and how I want to think and act. I'm not "going back to religion" or anything like that, but I definitely could bring more spirituality back into my life.
I know there are people out there that don't think over things as much as I do, or wonder Why? about everything, and I think they are very happy people. But my writing 12 teacher saw it right away, "You are really good at self-reflection!"and here comes the birthday and self-reflecting time!! self-reflect away!!
No. It's good to a point, you know, when that 5 year plan with goals and a time line is nicely laid out in the notebook in front of you. But any more than that and it gets to be too much. Even my 5 year plan looks strange to me. A part of me wants to scribble all over the neatly printed years and goals and say to hell with it! I'm running off to Mauritius to live in a beach hut and marry a fisherman and live happily ever after. (uh, maybe my current boyfriend would like to magically become a Mauritian fisherman for this fantasy?) But that's not life, right? We have real expectations of ourselves that have nothing to do with Mauritius fishermen, at least I do.
I made a list long ago of things I wanted to do before I turned 25. It was in university (oh those young wild days!) I can't remember what was on the list, or where it is exactly for that matter. I do remember the gist of it... traveling to far away lands, learning exotic languages and meeting beautiful people. So I guess in that regards I'm doing quite well.
I also remember more ambitious goals I had at a younger age. Change the world, right? Solve world poverty, end food shortages, peace on earth blah blah blah. What happened to that girl? I used to want to, no need to, change what I saw wrong in the world. First in everything I saw in the world, but then when I was a little older in myself first (then the world). I'd like to think I've still got it in me, but my actions speak louder than anything I could type here. Well, as I always heard, if you aren't happy with the situation, don't just sit around whining about it, do something about it!
A lot has happened in my life's relationship while I've been in Japan. The dynamics of my relationship with my parents; I think I can finally be more adult-like in this relationship that I ever was. My friends that I have lost touch with that I will probably never be as close to again, and I am okay with it because it's only natural. My friends that I have lost touch with that I know I will pick up with just where we left off next time I see them, just like it's always been. My friends that I have learned will be with me no matter where they are on this planet. Falling in love like never before and learning so much from this experience.
I've learned to have a wider ranger of friendships than I previously had. Those 6 year old kids that are honest to the point it hurts, and grandpa that teaches me Japanese calligraphy and to take life less seriously.
posted by lucky at
9:45 pm
1 Comments:
I was thinking about cringing, but I decided to read on before I made that commitment. The rest of your post more than made up for that double negative. =)
All I can say about the rest of it is....I hear you.
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